Drunken Tears
by Arisluv
Summary: Sometimes healing comes from the inside but the ones who you hold closest see you through.Healing comes after the Hurt. This is an extremely dark fic with some controversial issues included. Please be warned and read the disclaimers. Slash.
1. Default Chapter

Author: Arisluv, aka Willowschild

Rating: R

Title: Drunken Tears part 1/?

Pairing: X/S eventually, X/S/A

Disclaimer: Dark fic, substance abuse, depression, cutting, attempted suicide

I own nothing. Sorry, I only play sometimes.

Feed back: please god yes... I need to be validated.

_I could end it now_ he thought as he downed another shot of Jack. His life had quickly become a joke to him since Anya left. Xander the Zeppo had returned. _God, even Spike is better off than me right now. Damn stupid vampire._ So, he poured another shot of liquid fire and stared off into the night without a second thought.

He'd been sitting on the balcony of their apartment for a couple of hours just thinking about how horrible he'd been to the woman he loved. Did he though? Did he really love Anya? He had loved the idea of her, the warm feelings that he got when he pictured a home and children with the woman. But when you peeled the layers away, that wasn't what he'd ever really wanted was it? Xander looked down at the remainder of the alcohol he held. It suddenly didn't hold the appeal it had a few moments before. Xander had lost count of the shots he'd done but the empty bottles and cans lying around him made Xander regret how much he'd downed. It wasn't because Xander was feeling sick or that he might pass out at any given moment. It was the fact that Xander saw his father's face in the glass' reflection. Xander swore he'd never see this day but there it was. The face that stared back at him was that of the abusive bastard of a father that Xander hated more than life itself, which was saying a lot lately. With the fury in his heart, Xander threw the door open and crawled into the apartment. He prompltly passed out on the floor, barely inside the door. The alcohol coursed through his veins like a raging fire consuming him from the inside. As the night wore on, Xander's pulse began to slow, his breathing evened out to shallow wisps of air barely effecting the stagnant air around him.

It had been six long hours since anyone had come to check on him. It had been six hours since Xander had resigned himself to die tonight. When he awoke though he wasn't dead-one, two he was lying a pool of his own vomit. _Oh god that's horrible._ Xander jumped up and wiped down his body looking for any signs of the disgusting refuse. He wasn't sure why he was still alive but he was ready to give it another go. He knew that they'd put a gun somewhere in the apartment if only his alcohol-laden brain could remember where. He stepped over the booted foot without pause. _Where the hell is it? I know it's here somewhere. Think Harris, think._

"Looking for this mate?" Spike asked nonchalantly as he twirled the gun in his hand. Xander kept turning over drawers and couch cushions desperately searching for the weapon. This time he stumbled over the vampire.

"What the hell? What are you doing here Fangless?" Xander tried to say but it came out more like-"waizktllp? Ghfnrwirlfing ghir faglist?"

Spike was torn between laughing at the sight of the fallen white knight or crying at how pathetic the human had become. Spike picked Xander up with ease. "Hey Harris. No drooling on the shoes ok?"

Spike questioned briefly why he had decided to come up and check in on the whelp tonight, so close to dawn. He knew the others had things under control, they told him so every day, yet the vampire watched in silence as the one Scooby he gave a fig about fell deeper into a well of depression. Sure, the bit was a good kid and he looked after her and the witches were nice to have around, but Xander had held Spike's attention since the night he should have taken him. Spike could hear the murmur of Xander's heartbeat now growing ever weaker. Xander was fading out like a dim light.

"No, no. Fuck. I'm not gonna bloody lose you pet. You're too precious. Gotta go. Gotta get ya to the 'ospital. Take good care of ya." Spike was in a full on run to get the boy to the nearest Hospital. _Damn. It's near dawn. Hope we can make it pet. _

Just as the first rays of light hit the horizon of Sunnydale, Spike and his pet tumbled into the doors of the hospital. Worry broke across Spike's face and tears fell in streams. "Help him. Oh god, Help him!"

The nurses came running assaulting Spike with questions he never knew he could answer. He left Xander in their capable hands and paced for the next 45 minutes. When he was finally allowed into the room, Spike crumpled into a useless pile over Xander's body. Xander just lay there so motionless, so sad and dilapidated. There had been so much alcohol in his system, that the doctor's still weren't sure if he'd fully recover. So Spike cried and Xander slept.


	2. Chapter 2

The lights were blinding. It was well into the day before either stirred. The nurses had been told to leave them be. So they lay there in sterile peace. Nothing could touch them now. The monitors continued to beep out a sad rhythm telling Spike what he already knew; Xander was barely alive. There was no way to tell if he'd ever wake up. As Spike began to wake he held onto Xander but made himself more comfortable. He looked down for an instant at the tear stained sheets and prayed to whatever God would listen to his prayers that Xander would just wake up.

"Been thinking a lot lately. You an me, we got something they'll never understand. I saw the life you 'ad. No life that. You 'id yourself so well. I couldn't ever- I don't know what to say. Gods Xan, pet, wake up. The Slayer needs you. Watcher needs you. Bit and the Witches, they'd be lost with out you." Spike wanted desperately to say how much he too needed the boy but the words wouldn't come. Spike didn't hear the others as they came and went throughout the day. He paid no attention to Buffy's screams and her curses that this was somehow Spike's fault. He would never have even felt the stake she threatened to send deep into his chest cavity. Spike only saw his broken boy's chest rise and fall with the machine that pumped precious oxygen into his tired lungs.

Inside that weakened frame another battle raged. It was worse than any fight he'd ever fought and this time he was alone. _I can't breathe. Oh god. I'm sorry. I don't know. Alone. Abandoned. I, I didn't mean.I'm choking on, tears? What the hell? These are tears. Who's crying? Who's there? Anyone? Someone? Please don't leave me!_

The swirls of black, blue and green surrounded him like a suffocating blanket of night. He couldn't swim through the thick liquid like air to reach the top but he knew it was there. A tinny sound kept pouring down on him like dry rain. Voices so distant they couldn't be made clear called to him. He felt the little bit of warmth leave his side and new tears joined old. Xander was drowning in tears but they wouldn't let him die. Then it grew thicker, more solid. There was no swimming now only clawing. No words could describe the terror he felt. Then other voices hit him. These were closer, inside.

"_Never gonna amount to anything." "Worthless piece of shit!" "Ruined our lives." "Why don't you go make yourself useful?" "I hate you and that Bitch you call a mother!" **Xander suddenly felt every blow he'd ever received. Not just the demony ones but the human ones. For some reason those hurt the most. Xander screamed but no one could hear him. Too far away. The tinny noise returned. Dry rain beating on the tender flesh of a broken spirit. Xander continued to claw and pray that he could reach the surface before the solid tears suffocated him.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Drunken Tears- pt 3/?

A/N- I promise it will get better but I hate to say it has to get worse first. **feeds chocolate to readers**. Take hope.

_Snap. Goosh. Snap. Goosh. Snap. Goosh._ The ventilator pumped a constant flow of air into his limp form. _Snap. Goosh. Snap. Goosh. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Snap. Goosh. Snap. Beep._ Constant sounds of machines doing the body's work. The rest was silence.

No. Not silence. Not quite. That wasn't all there was. Silence of voices but there were other sounds for Spike to focus on. Xander wasn't just beeps and snap gooshing noises. Those were the consistent striations of the machines. The underneath was Xander. Xander was the soft whispering breath that escaped his nostrils telling Spike that he's still fighting for his life. Xander was the gentle thump, thump, thump of a beating heart beneath his chest. Spike took heart in those soft sounds. They were what kept him going as the days melted into the first week.

Spike never left Xander's side, never fed, never slept. He just watched. Wouldn't leave his boy for a minute. The doctor's all knew his name. Some even called him William or Will. The others has tried desperately to rip him away from the form of their friend but it was no use. No one knew what to do anymore. So they watched as Spike grew paler and more tightly drawn. More tears fell. A flood of tears poured down staining the sheets once more.

_**Xander struggled once more. His weary body was taking all the beatings again. Living through the pain was somehow more terrible than before. **Oh god. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. Please someone. I'm still here! So alone. Gods. I'm so alone. _

The constant pounding on his soul ached through his bones. Searching frantically for the way out, Xander spotted the little boy instead, huddled in a corner of the fog. There was a painful gash across his face. One that Xander remembered all too well. He couldn't help but gasp at the sight though as the blood trickled down the child's cheek. Then he saw the arm, hanging limp at his side- broken in three places. Xander remembered now the first of many times that he broke that arm. The first time always hurt the most. So many tears poured down. Xander ran as fast as he could to stop the invisible arm from landing another punishing blow. It was of no use. Xander couldn't help the child that was himself. He choked once more on the gallons of unshed tears that held him captive. Xander felt ill. He wanted to vomit but he couldn't so he clawed his way through another layer of the tear fog that engulfed him. The sea of salty substance that was as solid as stone was holding even tighter than before threatening to devour Xander. He choked on them but pulled himself to closer to the tinny rain of distant voices. Another place and time. Home.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimers: With Chapter 1

A/N - I have made some changes in chapters 1-3 and posted the revised editions elsewhere. If you'd like to read the revisions email me or leave a review.

Creative criticism is always welcome. Enjoy the story

Willow had watched for ten days and could wait no more. She didn't care what Buffy thought anymore. Willow loved both Xander and Spike too much to allow Spike's stubborn nature to take control. He would not die because he went without eating just so he could watch over Xander. He wouldn't want it that way and Willow knew it. Returning once more to the waiting game, Willow had a new goal and achieving it would not take much longer. Willow watched them closely as she made the call.

"Hey Spike. I, uh, I brought you this. It's not blood. Buffy wouldn't let that passed her. I'm sorry. But it might help with your hunger." Willow passed a warm mug of yellow liquid to the vampire. He drank without thought or hesitation. Within moments, he was asleep. "Sorry, Spike but I needed you not to fight. Help's on the way." Willow stroked the sleeping vamp's hair. She had no idea how much she had helped.

_**Spike was nearer now than he'd ever been. He could feel the crushing weight that held Xander captive inside himself. He called out into the darkness. "**Xander, pet, Hold on! Just keep 'oldin on luv." **Spike wept violently even in his dreams. No greater love could hold him there.**_

"Xander, I miss you. I don't know what good it is to say but I do. Spike's letting himself go for you. It's scaring me. I can't bare to watch it happen. We know you're in there. You just have to find your way out. Oh god!" Willow sobbed into her arm as she turned away from her friends' limp forms and the rise and fall of the pumps. It was too much for the redhead to bear.

The voices were stronger than before, less tinny. Xander faced the blue swirls now with much less fear in his heart. He found a comfort there because behind him were the demons he feared most. The voices were bad enough but now they held substance and form. Xander was on his knees in shattered tears.

"Worthless fag son!" "Good for nothing!" "No queer will live in my house!" "Xander, it's me, you're old pal Jesse. Don't be afraid."

**Xander turned slowly to see his lover explode into ash. More unshed tears gobbled him up and sent him crashing into a solid wall of pain. **

**A new voice entered his world. It was closer than the dry rain of tinny voices that had been falling of late but further than the brutal nightmares behind him. It was calling to him to fight, to be strong. It called him home.**

"Willow, you called?"


	5. chapter 5

Disclaimers with Part one

Spike could feel it- that bittersweet twinge in his gut that told him that something so precious was near but that he'd never have it again. Spike had grown used to it by now but he hated it nonetheless. Spike just wanted to get closer to that haze he saw that was just out of reach. He could see it but he couldn't touch. That was what killed him most.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Buffy screamed at Willow. Apparently, Willow thought, this is one of those 'I hate him' months.

"I came because _someone_ had the presence of mind to call me when they realized my childe was going to waste away. You may not understand but this is something I have to do." Angel growled out. He couldn't believe how petty the woman he used to love was being. All he wanted now was to go in and rescue his childe. What Spike needed now was someone to be strong for him. Angel was the only one who knew of the younger vampire's feelings towards Xander and he'd keep it that way. However, the idea of punching Buffy at that moment was incredibly appealing.

"You are not going in there!" Like a flash Angel, had Buffy pressed against the wall by her throat, his eyes flashing yellow.

"Like Hell I'm not. My family in there, not yours now back the fuck off Buffy." Angel let her drop to the floor and stormed into the hospital room before she could stop him. The soft snap-goosh noises and the beeping of the heart monitor suddenly blasted Angel. He didn't even look at first. Angel stepped in and took in the sounds and smells of the sterile room and then as he opened his eyes he saw the gaunt figure of his boy draped protectively over Xander. For once both demon and soul were one as they wept. "I'm so sorry this ever happened to you Xander."

Soon, Angel wrapped his arms around both sleeping figures. He reached out to touch the link between himself and Spike. It was weak, like the blonde had recently become, but there. Angel needed to feed him-NOW! He bit into his own wrist and shoved the open wound on the slightly parted lips. "Drink m'boy. You have to drink. Come on Will."In his desperation, Angel's Irish brogue returned full force. In the small room, Spike was no more. William, the frail young poet who loved with all his heart, was there in Angel's arms.

Spike's mouth worked separate from his mind. Soon his lips wrapped around the swelling pool of liquid and the first tinge of Sire's blood met his tongue. Spike moaned out and clasped harder. His strength began to quickly return to him and Spike slowly began to awaken. When he'd drunk his full, those beautiful blue eyes pierced Angel's soul. "Why?"

"Can't lose you m'boy. And neither can Xan. He needs you. I need you. I need him too. Something to keep you sane at least." His words were whispered – an admittance of the love both men held for the young brunette. Angel leaned forward and kissed Spike, gently like he used to do when the boy had done well. Spike's walls fell down and he crumbled into his sire's arms.

"I can't lose him Sire. I just. I can't. How foolish was I? Went and fell for the Slayer's pet."

"We all do foolish things Will."

_**Words. Xander was no longer hearing only sounds they were words. Voices. Some angry, others soothing. He knew he was closer to the surface. The beatings had stopped. But the anger remained. **How could I have killed Jesse? I loved him. I loved Cordy too, look what I did to her. And then there was Willow, hurt her too. And now, Anya must hate me. Oh, gods, I'm a monster. How can I love again? I can't let him know how I feel. I always hurt the ones I love. I kill some part of them. First Jesse, then Angel. God, I kill them all some way or another and they'll never be able to forgive me not really. **The walls started to close in again when he heard a familiar voice say he couldn't lose him. Some one needed Xander to survive. That was enough to make him fight again. Tears be damned.**_


	6. chapter 6

Drunken Tears 6?

i> God. Whatever power is out there please just let the boy wake up. I'll take them both away from this hell. I promise. Just let him make it. /i >Angel said his prayer silently before disentangling himself from Spike's arms. "Hush m'boy. I'll be right back."

Leaning over ever so slightly, Angel kissed Spike gently before rising. His thick fingers brushed through his hair as Angel took a second glance back at the two on the bed. He could feel the others eyes burning holes into him so he turned back toward them. Angel stepped over to the corner of the room and spoke in harsh quiet words to Willow, Giles, and Buffy.

"Why wasn't I called sooner? God. He almost died."

"Like we care." Buffy spat out, uncaring and cold. She could not believe Angel was acting this way and likewise, Angel could not understand the blonde's distance.

"He saved Xander's life and you didn't think to do the same in return?" Angel felt his precious control slowly slipping away from him like sand between his fingers. Angel might have acted rashly had it not been for Willow's quiet but sincere words.

"I'm sorry Angel. Buffy stopped us from helping but I couldn't wait anymore. I should have done something sooner. God, I'm sorry." Willow cried out. She couldn't even look into his eyes. Angel hated seeing Willow feel so weak and guilty. She was not the one to be blamed for any of this. He knew that and she needed to also.

"It's ok Willow. You called in time. But know this, the moment Xander's released from this prison, I'm taking them both away to heal. You failed, all of you, at protecting the boy. And Spike is my childe, you threaten to kill him again Buffy," Angel turned to her, "And I'll kill you."


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimers with chapter one. Sorry the chapters are so short.

_So much hate inside me. I know it's there. I want it gone just like everyone else but I can't let it go. It's the only thing I've felt for so long. I hated them all. A part of me hates Buffy and Giles for opening the world up to me. I could have loved Jesse. But it's too late. Oh God, I sent two men to Hell that I could have loved. I won't do that again damnit. There's so much hate here, so much pain. I'm sorry Jesse for hurting you. I'm sorry Ahn. I'm sorry Dad, for never being the son you wanted me to be. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. _**_The final walls crashed down around him and Xander did not have to claw to the surface anymore. He just crawled out of a hazy dream – Alice returning from the Rabbit hole. Eyes clutched tightly, Xander was aware of very little. There was a weight on him that Xander was becoming increasingly aware of. It was the constant weight that had been there from the beginning. The weight spoke to him each day and held him and poured moist tears upon his too dry flesh. And it did so still. Xander's heart broke for the one holding him so tightly. It had a name but Xander could not bring himself to whisper it yet, even in his mind's cavernous wells of thought._** _Hold on. I'm sorry. Oh god, I promise I'll make it better this time. I don't know how but I will, just please don't cry.  
_

"Shh. Spike. It'll be ok. He's gonna wake up. I promise baby. He'll be ok." Angel held his childe's shoulders trying to soothe the younger vampire any way he could. Rubbing small circles on Spike's back, Angel whispered a soft – "Shh…"

_ iSpike. Oh God. Spike. I'm here. I'm sorry. Please. Please don't cry_Xander's hand squeezed Spike's. He held it as tight as he could. He choked on the ventilator desperately trying to rip it out on his own. He eyes flew open. Spike's tears stopped. An overwhelming silence filled the room.

_Blink. Blink. Blink. Xander's awake. Thank the Powers! _ Spike didn't think, just acted. He flew to Xander's face and lavished what parts of his flesh were unobstructed by machines with kisses. His boy was awake. Nothing else mattered to him then and nothing could stop Spike from showing him that either.


	8. Chapter 8

DT-8

Drunken Tears 8?

Author: Willowschild, aka Arisluv

Summary: Some questions get answered, kinda.

Suddenly, the whole gang surrounded Xander. His eyes flitted around searching their worried faces. Buffy appeared irate, almost seething, while Dawn and Willow struggled to maintain their composure through the tears they held back. There stood Angel, Giles and, of course, his constant throughout all this - Spike.

Then, the constant weight was gone from his side as Spike was ripped away and tossed aside like a heap of garbage. Fear filled Xander as the only real thing he knew was taken in an instant. Panicked, Xander came to understand what was going on. His breathing became labored and his pulse pounded hard and fast. The beeps and gooshes were erratic and desperate, setting off alarms. Running in, the nurse began to usher them away. His panic increased and Xander began to frantically and emphatically shake his head.

"Come on dearie, you need rest now." The nurse continued to encourage him to relent but Xander held fast. "Alright. One can stay."

Xander motioned for a pad before anyone could make his decision for him. Giles, ever prepared, produced both paper and pen. Xander's hand was weak as he gripped the pen with his fist, not two fingers, the whole hand wrapped as firmly as he could around the ball point instrument. Trembling, Xander's hand shook over the pad only briefly before etching out the letters he was screaming in his mind. S. P.I. K.E.

"Ok sweetie. Everyone out except this Spike fellow. His request not mine, so no objections boys and girls." The nurse began to push the more reluctant ones out the door leaving Spike and Xander alone. Spike sat on the floor where he'd been so unceremoniously dumped moments before in an astonished heap. He heard the others complaints but could not have cared less about them as his name was heard being breathed from the sweet woman's lips.

As the others left, Xander immediately began to calm. His eyes met Spike's. So much was said without the utterance of words. Apologies were made on both ends; questions asked.

"Why pet?" A shrug was his only answer. The nurse returned and there was silence once more.

"Help me out here, Spike, was it? We're gonna take these tubes out of your friend's mouth so he can talk to you." Such a sweet woman, Spike thought. Spike pushed himself off the floor and stumbled to the edge of the sterile bed, that while whiter than the blinding snow was still stained with dead men's tears.

"Hold his hand while I pull these out. Xander, honey, I need you're help too. You have to breathe out as hard as you can when I say go. Ok?"

_Blinks and nods_ A hand clutched his and Xander's eyes smiled. Pressure on the tubes brought Xander's attention back to the nurse. Her eyes were so old, aged by years of service on the Hellmouth. She smiled even now, after seeing more death than Xander ever had. Something in her still thrived and that earned her respect from both men. She gave him another smile and with a nod let Xander know it was time. One hard exhale expunged the tubes from nostrils and throat. He burned from the inside out with tissue ripping pain but he could breathe again unassisted. Xander squeezed tightly to Spike's hand as the pain caused more tears to fall.

"There now. I'll just leave you two alone. Just make sure he drinks some water." The nurse left again without them ever knowing her name. No one else saw her either. She became a soft shimmer in the hallway, a brief gift from the Powers that Be to answer the prayers of a man thought damned.

Xander couldn't speak, not yet. So Spike spoke once more. Spike spoke and a weak but captive Xander listened.


	9. Chapter 9

DT-9

Title: Drunken Tears 9?

Pairing: S/X eventually S/X/A

Summary: Xander has just awoken from an alcohol- induced coma. The gang is trying to understand his unusual behavior.

A/N- only Spike knows why Xander was in a coma.

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to claim them, I own none of these characters. If I did they would be having sex as often as possible.

Feed back: I am a feedback whore, please feed my addiction…

Further disclaimer: This series deals with substance abuse, physical abuse, homophobia, cutting, attempted suicide, and other nasty things that cause much pain. By this point, we've moved passed a lot of the pain but there's still a lot to come. You have been warned. This chapter is relatively pain free though so sit back and enjoy.

Where in Angel explains-

Angel had crowded with the others just outside the door to Xander's room. Angry, accusing whispers were hurled at one another and threatening glances loomed in the air.

"What the hell was that!"

"What!"

"What happened in there? Xander was fine and then…"

"And then Buffy decided to throw Spike across the room," Angel hissed out his former lover's name. Blank stares were shot his way by all but Giles. Giles, on the other hand was processing what Angel meant by those simple words.

"But, he's not."

"I know. That's what has me confused. Have you ever seen something like this?"

"No. It's, I'm not sure what to do about this." Giles began furiously polishing the thin lenses of his glasses. Buffy had quietly watched what secrets passed between them but refused to wait any longer.

"English please?" Buffy begged trying to understand what they were saying.

"In short? Xander exhibited the characteristics of a vampire mate. But it's more than that. He was behaving like a newly turned childe chosen to be a mate."

"What!"

Angel sighed heavily. He motioned for them to go sit somewhere quiet. Fortunately at this hour of night, the hospital was nearly void of visitors. Angel sat protectively beside Willow with Buffy offensively sitting across from them. Giles sat to the side with Dawn resting against him, showing the physical signs of fatigue.

"Explain now!" Two short words uttered with all the anger and bitterness that Buffy could manage were hurled at Angel so quickly that the master vampire physically winced.

"When a consort is turned it's for one reason- to become a mate. That childe is prized above all others. Now before you freak, Xander hasn't been turned. In fact, he's not even a consort, not in the way I know at least. But somehow, that emotional bond is still there. When Xander woke up unable to see his mate, he reacted naturally. You put his mate in danger Buffy and psychologically speaking that damaged Xander more than the coma."

Willow's shattered gasp said what they all realized. Angel's arm draped over her shoulder pulling her close as she cried.

"But we didn't know!"

"I know little one. But no one asked either." Angel soothed Willow's tears. He wanted to do so much more to calm her but he knew he couldn't, not yet at least but soon.

"So what now?" Giles asked sadly, almost broken.

"We help him rebuild. Like I said before, I'm taking them away to heal. Spike's my childe and now in some ways Xander is his. They're mine now." Secretly, Angel blessed the Powers that they gave him this gift. Explaining to the others what this would really mean was too difficult but he knew that Spike and Xander would understand. "My children will heal."


	10. Chapter 10

Drunken Tears 10?

Spike regaled Xander of his own lifetime. He told stories of unrequited love and how Drusilla saved him. After several moments, Xander and Spike heaved a collective sigh of relief. There was a hunger between them that hung as heavily between them as the simple question that was asked. "So I ask again, why?"

That one word, like so many others hung in the air between them so long that they nearly forgot who said it. Why what? Why feel so broken? Why love so deeply? Why didn't you give up? Why'd you come so near to doing just that? Simply – why? So, in the silent, pain-filled room, Spike watched, waiting for a reply.

"Nothing else for me was there?"

"What the bloody? Nothing else for you? What about Red, or Bit, or the Watcher? You know how ripped up they've been? Red risked her friendship with Buffy for you pet, for both of us." Silence. More words left unspoken. Spike watched Xander's chest rise and fall of his own doing this time. Xander watched Spike watching him.

"I'm not worth their tears." Xander turned away from Spike. Spike broke his gaze from the well muscled chest and climbed into bed. His hand hovered hesitantly above Xander's back. Ever so slowly, he lowered his hand to soothe Xander's silent shaking tears.

"You're worth more than that, pet." Gentle circles rubbed over Xander's back. The sterility of the room could not hide the vile scents that permeated both the room itself and Xander. As the aroma hit his nostrils, Xander felt the incredible pressure of the ill smells of death and sickness covered faintly by bleach. He wanted to be ill. Even more, he wanted to get away. He was desperate to claw away from Death's icy grip but the despair in him clung like a vice on his soul.

"What about you?" he choked out. "You mentioned the others but what about yourself?"

"Xander, pet. You – " Spike paused trying to find the right words. "You're more than just the whelp you know. You're the reason I stick around this hellhole. Can't explain it really. Just know that when I found you like that luv, I just – I broke."

"Why?" Xander prodded, hoping that maybe the words he could not express would escape freely from the snarky vampire. They might possibly be harsh or dripping with an embittered sarcasm but Spike would speak honestly. Xander closed his eyes briefly and sighed once more. His throat was on fire. As if by instinct, Spike knew what he needed, so he smiled as Spike brought a glass of cool water to his lips.

"I just don't know. I. You're honest Xander, and strong. You're not like the others. I, I need you. It's all I know."

"You, you need me?" Xander stared blankly for a moment. "I'm sorry." The silence broke with an echoing confession. Honest pain was replaced by sweet relief. Spike wasn't angry or hurt by Xander, only terrified at what he might lose. Xander stared into those perfect blue orbs trying to understand what he'd seen flicker behind them. While he hadn't waxed eloquently, Spike had placed more honesty into those few words than Xander had ever heard fall from his lips before. I_Don't think. Don't think. _ Xander fully turned towards Spike now. Angry red streak down his cheeks flared against his paler than usual flesh. Xander's lower lip quivered as he moved methodically slow to close the gap between them. Spike froze, afraid that any movements would scare him off. Inch by inch the brunette slowly moved against the blonde pressing his lips to Spike's, testing something he'd never thought of before. Xander had wanted Spike before everything that had happened but he would never have opened himself to this opportunity before. Really, wasn't this why he'd left Anya? Just as Xander was about to move in further, Spike pulled away reluctantly and against both men's desires.

"Sorry about that pet. I was just worried is all." Spike's lips may have left Xander's but his hand remained in constant contact with his body. Xander swallowed hard. Each attempt to speak was painful still so Xander just stared with those chocolate eyes to express his passion without having words to do so.

Xander's hand reached up hesitantly at first, but then grew in courage as he wrapped his fingers in Spike's hair pulling him back down for a second searing kiss. The kiss was an explosion of tastes for both men. Spike's flavor was that of cigarettes and whiskey and that coppery sweet twang of blood while Xander's was a soft mixture of sweet honey and cottony flavors that could only be his own natural taste. Soft moans and sighs escaped their bodies as they explored this new territory.

The door opened silently before them, both oblivious to its intrusion in their moment. Angel caught the end of the impassioned kiss and entered fully in time to witness a soft, sweet kiss. The union seemed fitting though to be blessed as it were by the Sire they both secretly admired and trusted more than life. Angel could sense the bond between them and yet there was still no claim. Angel leaned back against the now closed door to give his family the privacy this moment deserved. In that moment at least, Sire, Childe and Mate were united as one.


	11. Chapter 11

After the kiss, there were so many words still clinging to the air like old filthy laundry and the stench that it would carry, that finding where to begin was more difficult than sitting in the silence. Xander blinked several times. While Xander had discovered in the recent months that he could handle increasing amounts of silence, the lingering words still screamed in his head like an angry infant begging for attention. Even before he knew what was happening, Xander's cheeks glistened with newly shed tears. Uncertain what to say after such an amazing kiss, Xander cleared his throat to speak but the words didn't come. What could he say?

"I'm sorry." The words were choked out, hard, and heavy. Again, the same confession fell between them, but it meant so much. They encompassed a multitude of sins and forced Spike to stare, partly amazed, partly terrified. Spike couldn't quite tell if Xander regretted the kiss or if he felt taken advantage of but the look in Xander's eyes was assuring.

"Why you appologizin' to me pet? You hate me. Remember?" Spike's own actions belied his words as he sat on the bed beside Xander, his hands splayed across the expanse of the young man's chest.

"We both know that's not true." Xander looked up into those blue crystal balls that seemed to hold all the mysteries of the universe. Fighting the urge to kiss the lips that hung just inches below those eyes, Xander turned his head to look slightly over Spike's shoulder. He had been completely aware all along so he stated plainly, "That goes for you too Deadboy."

Spike turned to see his Sire standing aloof? Relaxed? Prepped for action? - Curiously at the door. Angel just watched, for who knows how long, trying to read the scene before him. Angel's indescribable expression surprised Spike. "Come on then Peaches, if yer gonna be watchin' you might as well make yerself part of the group aye?"

"Xander you're still weak. Don't you think…"

"That I should rest? Probably, but not gonna happen without the two of you to protect me." Xander began to laugh uncontrollably. _The two most feared vampires are playing body guard for me, saviors and possibly more. And how cool is that? And a little scary, yeah, but some how I just don't care. This is so funny to me. Gods I wanna tell Wills._ Xander's chest rumbled with the hearty laughter. Spike and Angel watched cautiously not sure if the situation had broken their boy. "I'm sorry guys it's just, here I am, the most anti-vampire person on the planet and I trust the two of you more than I do myself. If I don't laugh at it I'll cry at how depressing this could be for me."

"I understand pet. I think at least. We'll just keep watch over ya and then we'll go when you're all better, 'ow's that?" Spike said mournfully. Fingers pulled ever so slightly away from the tight, firm chest of a construction worker. Before they could move further though, fingers belonging to the same construction worker moved with more speed than the previously coma ridden Xander should have been capable of and grasped the slender fingers that bore chipped black polish. Fear that he might have actually driven them away forced Xander to action. He took a deep, heavy breath and tried again.

"You misunderstood me. I meant that who I used to be would find this all depressing. The last few days, weeks, how ever long, have changed me. Spike, Angel, stay?"


	12. Chapter 12

Buffy was pacing back and forth like a caged beast as she waited for Angel to re-emerge from the hospital room. She looked lost and frail in the harshly lit hallway and Willow couldn't figure out just why it no longer bothered her to see the slayer that way. Maybe it was being wrenched from Heaven that made Buffy the way she was; maybe it was the loss of her mother but either way, Willow had grown cold to it. The darkness in Buffy's eyes revealed a fury that Willow knew too well. It would eat away at her soul if left unchecked but Willow wasn't sure who could save her now. The last week had proven that it wouldn't be her.

Giles studied the girls in his charge as their anxiety grew. He knew even before Willow told them that when Xander left, so would she. It was also apparent to him that the young girl in his arms would not choose to remain with her sister. Dawn was in many ways as lost as Buffy. Their blood wasn't the only thing that held them together though both would deny it. Idly drawing his fingers through Dawn's hair, Giles contemplated the future that Sunnydale held. It was an increasingly bleak one without the bright lights of Willow and Xander. Perhaps LA would have room for him as well, though the prospect of leaving his Slayer once more was a harrowing one.

Dawn stirred in her slumber bringing Buffy's attention to the others in her presence.

"What's taking so long?"

"Eh?"

"Seriously, what is it that Xander could possibly have to discuss with Fangless for so long? We've been here all night."

"And Spike's been here all week, more specifically for ten days and eleven hours so I really don't think we have room to complain. Buffy, we may have to face the fact that Xander has chosen a life that we neither approve of nor understand." Giles sighed the weary sigh of a father who has long gone without rest. Willow joined him in the puke green chairs that lined the waiting room. She suddenly looked much more tired than she had moments before as she looked to Buffy then. The silence that followed Giles' words was echoed by the whir of an air-conditioner. Buffy's anger boiled over to the point that her fist slammed into the brick wall beside her. The crumbling cement and stone shattered with a cracking boom that jolted Dawn awake and startled both Willow and Giles. "Buffy Anne Summers, I am ashamed of you. The fact that you can't forget your petty anger while your best friend lies in a hospital bed not fifty feet away upsets me more than you can know. I thought you'd moved passed this childishness."

"Giles, I…"

"Stop Buffy. You can only rely on you own problems so often before it becomes too much for us all. You're lost Buffy and I just don't know how to find you anymore." The slayer looked first to Giles, then to Willow and Dawn. They looked to her as though she were a stranger. Their eyes denied her the sense of home she so desired. Tears swelled along the rims of her hazel eyes. The red sting in her bloodshot eyes burned as she blinked back the tears. Buffy turned from them, the familiar strains of her lonely song returned to her from months before. "My return from England was only temporary Buffy. I realized now that I am still needed here in the states but only in the capacity of a father figure to Willow, Xander, and Dawn. What will you do now? Can you tell me that? Now that you've turned everything you've ever loved away."

"Me? I didn't do this. It was – He… what would you have me do? You left me alone with all these problems. I couldn't do it alone and now look. I couldn't even see that Xander was so far gone. And Spike, well, you know how things were going there. He can't be trusted you know."

Dawn piped in next. "And why can't he be trusted Buffy? Because he isn't wholly devoted to you now? Is it because he doesn't obey your every whim? You know I thought you were ignoring me this year, I even understood, but now I know you ignored us all for your own woes. You're more like Dad than you'd ever admit yourself but it's true and we, all of us, have paid the price for it. Xander almost paid the price with his life."

Buffy may not allow the tears to fall but Dawn would. Her eyes filled with the same tears that Buffy forced back. Summers' tears were violent and sharp. They crashed like waves in the ocean and created pools upon any surface they might touch. As the salty drops splattered upon the linoleum floor, Buffy turned away from her sister. She couldn't face the hatred she saw there. Both inside the hospital room and out in the waiting room, questions were answered.


	13. Chapter 13

With his new alertness, Xander had come to view the clock as his enemy. Time passed too slowly for them all here. Even as he had come to accept the new relationship between himself and the vampires, Xander could not help but fear that it wouldn't last. The hospital had become a kind of prison for Xander, but not one he was eager to leave. The fear of losing the trust, no, the love he felt for Spike and Angel overwhelmed him.

Buffy's visits were infrequent and callous now. So much the better Xander thought. He could barely group the workings of his own mind, so how could he explain it to her? Thirteen days in the hospital had changed so much.

The doctor was talking again, but his words were lost on Xander. Instead, they were an incessant buzz saw on his nerves. Dr. Michaelson had pulled Spike and Angel aside to discuss his concerns. Xander just stared at Spike's ass, trying to decide just when it was that he'd begun to feel those not unfriendly feelings to the Big Bad.

"Mr. Harris has some records that worry me. He's been a guest in our hospital several times now and the visits are becoming progressively worse. Starting at around age five…"

"Wait. Are you telling me that… that Bastard! I'll kill him Peaches. I swear to the Powers that his blood will drip from my fingertips." Spike's curses filled the air but he turned to glance at Xander and knew that however horrible his father had been, Xander didn't want the man dead. "Ok fine. No killing the whelp's father."

"Er, yes. Well, what concern me most are Mr. Harris' last two visits. We've documented more and more signs of self- destructive behavior culminating in this most recent event. I'm not sure if you were aware or not but Xander has scars that are almost definitely self-inflicted. We'd like to admit him to the Psychiatric unit for intensive therapy and observation."

Panic flooded Xander's eyes. He wanted to stay in the hospital but only because in this room his life had some semblance of sense. Xander knew that there were no visitations in the Psych Ward. He couldn't be away from the others that long. Xander didn't want to be here anymore. Sensing the younger man's distress, Angel spoke above the hushed tones the others had been using.

"No, we're going to take Xander to LA. He'll get the help he needs there – with us." Angel's words were simple but enough to soothe Xander's ache. There was little more that could be said. Xander knew what Angel meant. He was going _Home_ . Spike nodded in agreement to Angel's words and stepped away from the protesting Doctor. He edged closer to Xander and smiled that loving smile he normally reserved for Dawn when she'd had a nightmare. "Isn't that right Xan?"

Xander's soft brown eyes burned into Angel's soul. Angel watched the glide of Xander's Adam's apple as he swallowed a hollow gulp. These waking days were spent mostly just sitting with his newfound loves. Words just muddied things up. He tried to speak but the words wouldn't come. Trying again he finally managed to reply with a tiny whisper.

"I want to go home, with you and Spike." _Home_. Xander hadn't allowed himself to believe that word could hold such weight before but he knew now that it did. Xander wanted to go home and where his vampires were so was home.

"S' ok pet. We take right good care of our own. You'll see." In that moment of clarity, Xander snaked his fingers over the metal bar alongside his bed and clasped them to Spike's wrist. "You're mine pet. I take care of wot's mine."


	14. Chapter 14

Xander was being released. Finally. Angel decided that he would tell Giles and the gang personally. Knowing that they were probably all at the Watcher's flat, Angel headed over as soon as the sun went down.

_Well, you see, Spike and I have decided to go back to LA._ Angel rehearsed his speech as he went. The large vampire hated leaving his mates alone, but he knew they were fine. It's just the distance that bothered him. _Xander doesn't want to hurt anyone, himself included. We're …shit no… that won't work.  
_

_sigh, breath, sigh_ Try again. _Who wants to go to Disneyland? Again, no_. Angel was at a loss for words when he reached Giles's home. Knocking lightly, Angel hoped that someone else might find the words for him. As the door opened a crack, Angel saw Dawn's sad face look out through the chained door.

"Hey Dawn. Can I come in?" Angel asked with more cheeriness than even he felt. He actually dreaded confrontation and therefore hated the idea of stepping over this particular threshold. But the very thought of his childe and his love made Angel want to bound through the still locked door. Dawn had obviously learned a thing or two since he'd left Sunnydale. Instead of verbally allowing him entrance, Dawn stepped away from the door and unhooked the chain. "Thanks."

"Angel, how… how are things at the hospital?" Giles's nervous voice asked from his small kitchenette. Angel almost smiled at the familiar image.

"Actually, that's why I'm here." Angel looked around. Willow sat on the floor beside the couch; Dawn moved to sit beside her. "Where's Buffy?"

"Out. She didn't say where, but she left. I don't think she really wants to be around any of us right now." Dawn replied sadly. The young woman that Angel saw now reminded him so much of his ex but at the same time was so vastly different as well. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Right, well they're releasing Xander tomorrow morning." Angel paused. A silence hung in the air like palpable steam. Willow's eyes met his and Angel knew he couldn't lie to her, ever. "They're releasing Xander and we're going home as soon as we get him packed."

"By home you mean?"

"L.A." Angel came to sit on the couch. He leaned down close to Willow and searched her face for what to say next. She nodded in response and he knew it would be ok. "We've discussed it, and well, Spike, Xander, and I would be honored to have the three of you join us there. I own the hotel of course and therefore have more than enough room for all of you. And I'm sure that a hacker and a watcher would be more than welcome on the AI team. That is, if you'd like to come."

More silence. Dawn's eyes searched Willow's first then Giles's. She already had her answer but she wouldn't make her move until one of them did. Giles met her glance with a half smile. Willow looked over her shoulder and back towards Giles. Seeing his smile she spoke.

"I think that's the best idea yet, Angel. But, um, how do we deal with the Buffy issue? She won't want to move, and she won't want Dawn to move."

Angel thought on that for a moment. His shoulders sank and Dawn's eyes began to fill with moisture. Then as simply as he began, Angel smiled.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that Dawn's custody was transferred to Giles a few months ago." Angel took Dawn's hand and brought her up to stand beside him. Angel wrapped his arms around her too skinny frame. "Dawn, if you're going to live with us, you're going to have to start eating more. No one in my charge is allowed to be skinnier than Spike."

Dawn giggled nervously and hugged Angel tight. She didn't think anyone would notice the fact that she'd been skipping meals. She was suddenly very grateful that someone had. A single tear slid down her cheek and fell upon Angel's. He held her closer and whispered in her ear.

"Everything's gonna get better little one. I promise."


	15. Chapter 15

Buffy came home to find boxes being packed and suitcases being filled – none of them hers. The sounds coming from the bedroom were a mixture of joy and sorrow and reminiscence. Buffy hesitated in the hallway for the perfect moment to intrude.

"I don't want to take that with me Wills," Dawn was filling one last box of photographs and trinkets as Willow put down the pink sweater that she was getting ready to wrap a snow globe in. "Sorry. That was harsh."

"No, I understand. You never really did like pink." Willow looked around the room with a melancholy glance. The things Dawn was leaving behind were all pink. They had all once belonged to Buffy. Willow understood the hurt her young friend was feeling, but she wasn't sure how to help it (not till they got to LA at least).

"Mom would be so pissed you know."

"DAWN!" Willow yelled in mock shock.

"What? She would be. How's Tara taking the whole you moving thing?" Dawn bit her lip. They hardly ever talked about Tara anymore, even though Dawn still had weekly visits with the other Wicca.

"She's moved on. We're rebuilding our friendship now and she still plans to see us every week in LA. It's just weird letting her go, you know?"

"You have to ask that?" Dawn giggled trying to lighten their mood. She tossed a blue roll pillow at Willow who smiled and tossed it back. Dawn's eye fell on a Christmas card that had slipped under her dresser. Dawn stopped Willow's teasing and leaned over the bed to grab it. "Do you remember when Dad sent this?"

Willow looked over her shoulder to read the card with her. The witch was certain she saw a single tear fall from the girl's eye.

_Dear Dawnie,_

_I'm sorry to hear about everything that's been going on. With the loss of your mother and now this, all I can say is that you deserve more. You deserve more than I could ever give you. I would have been there for the funeral but you know how things are at work and well Marilyn has been bothering me for this vacation for a long time. I got letters from your Mr. Giles and Mr. Harris though as well as a visit from Mr. Angelus and Mr. Bradstreet. It seems you have all the family you need right now. As such, I've agreed to place your guardianship in their hands. Happy Holidays. Dad_

He hadn't once said "I love you" or even that he really cared all that much about her mother or her sister. Dawn finally let the tears fall that had been gathering all those months. She knew that she'd likely see him again now that she was moving to LA, but Hank Summers would never be her father again. Rupert Giles was her father now. Dawn took that thought to heart as she wiped off the tears.

Buffy's hand was prepped to knock on Dawn's door just as Giles cleared his throat. Buffy spun on her heels to look at him. His face was a blank slate, offering no answers to the wrathful slayer.

"So, you wanna tell me what's going on? Or am I to just guess?" Buffy crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the doorframe. Her eyes shot daggers.

"I should think it was apparent Buffy; we're leaving. Tonight." Giles spoke evenly showing little to no emotion that would let her know how he felt about the situation. He simply stared down at her prepared for whatever reaction she might choose to have.

"What? You can't. I won't allow it. I'll… I'll lock Dawn in and she'll be grounded for…" Giles cut her off.

"You'll do no such thing. Your father gave me custody after your mother's death last year. I've not really altered much in activities because there was no need before but now I see no choice but to take matters in my own hands. Dawn is coming with me. You need to sort yourself out Buffy before I place anyone else in your care." Giles cleared his throat once more and then stepped closer toward the door. "Now if you'll excuse me."

Giles pushed Buffy aside. He knocked on the door. "Girls, are there any boxes or bags you need me to move?"

A muffled voice came through. "No. We've got it!" Giles nodded though he knew the girls couldn't see and walked away. He went down the stairs to gather the things they'd left there for him. The moving van he'd rented was large enough to hold all their things and more.

"Have you thought about how you're going to explain everything to your new classmates?" Willow asked as she folded Dawn's quilt and baby blankets up to place in a waterproof bag.

"Yeah. I'm still a little confused on how to go about that. I mean. I'm telling everyone that Giles is my dad and Xan's my brother, but how do I explain my brother's two gay lovers who own and run a private investigation service that employs my best friend – also gay – my brother's ex-girlfriend, a girl who lived in an alternate dimension for 5 years, and her boyfriend – who happens to be a former gang member?" Dawn smiled softly. "It's gonna be complicated, you know."

"Yeah. But think how screwed up things would be if Wesley was there too?" Willow thought for a second about her own question. She wondered if anyone had even told Buffy that the rogue watcher would be taking over Giles' duties here in Sunnydale. It wasn't like they were leaving her completely alone. Buffy would have Tara and Anya and Wesley for help. She just wouldn't have the Scoobies anymore. Willow choked back a sob thinking about it. "Come on. Let's get these things out to the van before it gets too late.


End file.
